Listening to Change

Its taken me a year to notice a change within myself. I knew that moving to this much smaller town was going to be a challenge. I figured that no longer being employed and sharing that particular work community was going to give me space and time to contemplate other choices. I realized that the inevitable solitude on those long days when I was alone were going to poke at my sense of self. I knew that I was going to have to embrace patience and find the positive in my choices while not allowing frustration to drag me down.

Living in a county that has a total population only twice as much as the city I used to live in has been an oddly packaged gift. My LinkedIn account and the psycho-organizational lingo of a consulting practice; the traffic, the push and pull of what success looks like has all been dissolved by tides, watersheds, and eagles sitting in the trees.

I've spent a lot of hours listening - sometimes to the wind in the trees and sometimes to people who are quietly going about the business of preserving our ecosystem. I've listened into questions that have started feeding my own place in this new community. I've been listening to friendships deepening and to aging parents sharing their hopes and fears; to adult children who are finding their way in the world and to the loving heart of the man I am married to.

As I get older, it continues to become clear how important it is to keep learning. To listen and learn, to humbly assume the role of student. Whether it's bread making or showing up as the newest member on a non-profit board of directors - I thrive in the learning curve. It took me a long time to realize that. I think back - way back - and remember having an overwhelming sense of vulnerability when tackling something new. Whether it was worry over how I was perceived by others or a fear of failure (and what that would mean about me) - the future tripping meaning-making would paralyze me.

The grace of aging - at least for me - has been relinquishing judgments and getting fear out of the driver's seat. My own and other people's. It is also clearer now than ever before that I know so little in respect to the world at large. That doesn't mean I don't have my own opinions about how the world works. I have my values and beliefs; ideas about what is right and wrong - just like everyone else. And yet, all I know is how I can show up for this day, today.

If the past year has taught me anything, I would say that the lesson is how the future laughs at our attempts to pin it down. Even when I tried not to have expectations, I still had expectations. Adapting doesn't mean thinking through all possible permutations of what is possible - it means softening the knees, keeping the eyes open and meeting life head on with an open, curious heart.

Living Meaningfully Well?

"The Big Question: what does it mean to live meaningfully well? If you accept the less-than-heretical proposition that our way of life, work, and play, while materially rich, might be leaving us emotionally, relationally, socially, physically, and spiritually if not empty, than perhaps just a little bit unhealthy; that it might be optimized for more, bigger, faster, cheaper, nastier over wiser, fitter, smarter, closer, tougher — how would we redesign economies, markets, and organizations to help us live better?" – Haque 2011/12 hbr.org

(Quotation credits at end of post)

At this point of my life, that Big Question feels pretty familiar. I would hazard a guess that many folks who have hit the big “four oh” have asked - what am I doing? Is this how I want to live my life and/or is there more to life than my current career path?  Actually, now that I think about it, I hear quite a number of the under forty set asking those questions. Perhaps I’ve simply been in a unique position these last few years to listen to people of different ages seeking change in their professional lives. Not everyone has wanted to reinvent their careers but many have wanted to change how they relate to their profession of choice.

Personally, I’m working through that process now for myself. What has become clear to me is that “meaningful” is a word that we each define in our own way. Living meaningfully well asks for a certain measurement – practically a litmus test on what is valued as meaningful. Point of view, social position, values, community, and beliefs are all going to color those varying definitions. Sometimes we know all this and struggle against it. Well, I do, anyway. Societal values are a pretty strong current to swim against.

"Being human is never easy. But that's the point. Perhaps as an unintended consequence of our relentless quest for more, bigger, faster, cheaper, now, we've comfortably acceded to something akin to a minor-league contempt for the richness and grandeur of life unquenchably meaningfully well lived.” (Haque 2012/01 hbr.org)

Pulling back from that relentless quest hasn’t always been easy.  And yet – read this again – “the richness and grandeur of life unquenchably meaningfully well lived” – doesn’t that sound like a goal worth the best hours of our days? Haque is writing for an audience of business professionals and goes on to write that a meaningful life is found in meaningful work.  Prodding business leaders to think beyond mediocrity is important but life goes beyond the office, right?

Maybe I’m crazy but living meaningfully is also about exploring what creates joy and wonder in my life. What lifts me up instead of what drags me down. Family, friendships, love, connection. Somewhere in that mix is a rich, well-lived life. I want the work I do "out there in the world" to be woven into a balanced life within.

My personal answer to Mr. Haque's question which started this whole musing - how do we basically escape a society driven by more, bigger, faster, cheaper, nastier over wiser, fitter, smarter, closer, tougher  - is to slow down, look around and remember how to love my self, my family, friends, and the earth that spins under my feet. I need to remember what I love to do each day - what will I happily set the alarm for. Ultimately, rediscovering wonder and opening my heart to joy cracks that relentless, furious and 'mediocre' world wide open - one choice at a time.

And when you believe as I do that change can ripple out from one single person - that makes all the difference necessary.

Quotes are taken from two Harvard Business Review blog posts by Umair Haque, Director of Havas Media Labs and author of Betterness: Economics for Humans.

Week Three

It is the end of week three of unemployment. I chatted on the phone yesterday with my ex-boss and he asked how “it” was going. I hesitated in answering because I wasn’t sure what he meant by saying “it.” Life? Not working? Being home alone with only my thoughts to keep me company? I wish. We are on day two of no school due to snow. Life with restless teenager - that's another story...
I told him I was fine.

One of his favorite sayings when someone says they are ‘fine’is “Feelings Inside Not Expressed”

Which, in this case, is true.

I didn’t think he really wanted to hear how happy I was; how absolutely clear I felt now about leaving the job that I had been doing for him. I didn’t want to go into detail about the guilty pleasure I was taking in not commuting or hitting the gym at 5am just to feel human during the day.

Shedding old skins is not a comfortable process – I really get that right now. And yet, slowly, quietly something has begun to shift. I’ve been working hard the last few weeks to retool my mindset and soften the sharp edge. I needed that edge for a time – I don’t today.

I’m breathing deeply right now. Writing, taking long walks in the snow; cooking healthy food; gathering with friends. Reading, playing with fabrics for another landscape quilt. Spending time with my teenage daughter who doesn’t seem to mind me being home. Go figure.

Without any effort at all possibilities are seeded in this very fertile soil of my nourished soul. The sprouts haven’t broken through yet and it certainly is not time to harvest anything; however, I do watch and wonder, tending those possibilities and curious what fruit they will eventually bear.

It’s winter here in the northwest and it feels right to let my heart and mind rest. This is the time for growing roots – not flowering.

Somehow I’ve discovered how to have faith that spring will come.

Exit Interview

I have a multitude of impressions from my last days on the job with what is now my ex-employer. I worked through the last month hand in hand with my replacement and left on Tuesday after a small party arranged to mark the occasion of my last day.

Looking back, it was a hard month as I counted down the days.  I suddenly understood the benefit of giving two weeks notice and then being gone. Think of it as pulling the band aid off extra slow instead of fast. It's a bit torturous. And still it was crazy with little time to hand off projects.

How is it that I ended up with the Amazon affiliate account? Twitter and Facebook?

I feel like I've been standing in the pilothouse of a boat that has just come through a long, arduous trip across a stormy sea.  The waves are gone but I'm reeling a bit from the experience. There are so many pieces of this experience that I still need to assimilate but a deep and wonderful insight fills me up: I stayed true to my self during this process. I stayed open and curious and caring.  I never lost my footing because I kept my knees bent (yet another sailor metaphor) and stayed very present to the moment. I haven't been able to see the horizon - what lies ahead is shrouded in fog and mystery - but a deep and soulful knowing led me through this Ending with an abiding grace and faith in how I want to exist on this planet.

Now to see what awaits.

It's on Facebook - it must be official

I had to post my own job description up on social media last week.  It was a strange feeling to watch such a personal decision go public.  Of course there was then a flurry of emails and notes from friends who hadn’t heard the news and wanted to make sure I was okay.

I’ve had a simple, pat answer for those who don’t know me very well and longer discussions with friends and colleagues who I care about. Those conversations continue and I'm letting them happen as naturally as possible.

Leaving a job is not easy.  Beyond the economics of  stepping away from a stable job – it is still hard.  I’ve become a team member, a part of the office rhythm.  I am the holder of many projects that have no home.  I’ve been told that no one can replace me – tears were shed.  Sheesh.  Talk about feeling not expendable.
 
Ego, of course, basks in this and whispers to me about how important I am.  Soul comes back with a loving hug and says – this is about change, friend and what I want regardless of what others want from me right now.  Not only will we bring on a new Director – we’re going to make sure that that person is awesome and well trained.  They are going to shine in ways that I didn’t – couldn’t.  Won’t that be wonderful?

Ego grumbles a little because training someone up to do better than I did means that I’ll no longer be ‘the best.’  Everything else in me laughs and I shake my head because that just doesn’t have the weight of fear behind it anymore.

What has weight – still – is this compass heading that I’ve given myself permission to follow.  I’ve finally been able to stop seeing my choices as “either/or.”  Over the years, that polarized viewpoint has limited my options in ways that I always felt but seemed unable to stop doing. 

I’ve been practicing asking for everything that I want.  Without even trying to resolve what may appear to be conflicting aspirations, I’m simply allowing everything to co-exist in my heart.  Interestingly enough, ever since I let my boss know that I was leaving this position at the end of the year – doorways and invitations have begun to appear.  Co-existing, simmering.

I am resolved, regardless of who steps into my position, to leave that particular office with as much grace and appreciation as possible.  Endings are as important as Beginnings – and we often don’t do them very well.  That is certainly true in my office for all their attempts to walk the talk.

We’ll see how that unfolds.

Work: A Midlife Perspective

I've just returned from a week long series of meetings hosted by the parent organization of the college I work for.  Most of these meetings were held in windowless rooms, with an ever changing group of people that I have come to know in only the most superficial capacity. 
Not that I haven't tried to build up those relationships but the truth is, when you don't see someone day in and day out, it is really hard to hold on to the dynamic reality of change and personality.
People are not static stories. Life moves through all of us - shaping and stretching our humanity in continual new patterns.  Brief visits are like dipping a toe into a raging river.  If I could travel down once a month and spend a week with these folks - that river would be much calmer, less fraught with submerged rocks and course changes.
As it is, working at a distance from some of the most important operational processes that govern the work that I do is not easy.  Anyone who works for a company that has multiple locations and a headquarters that is not right around the corner will probably concur with me. Communication is key and yet, unless you have the time and resources to make that the highest priority - it is not going to be an easy relationship.
One of the best things I can do is to remain aware of how easy it is to make assumptions. I remind myself to be wary of building in my own head a story about Why. Why someone forgot to return an email; why my changes to a document were not included; why voicemail doesn't seem to work. Why a particular employee shared that nasty piece of gossip.
Here is where that midlife perspective comes in handy - I've been around enough to know that I don't know what is going on in other people's heads.  The other side of that perspective is also getting clearer: I don't really care what is going on in their heads.  The question on the work table is whether or not we can make the space to collaborate and listen to the different positions.  I've learned that curiosity is a much more powerful tool then trying to second guess someone's intentions. 
In some ways I find myself somewhat saddened by the fact that these folks who I work with from such a far distance will always remain rather two-dimensional. These brief moments in time where we actually sit and look at each other, read body language and hear brief snippets about each other's lives are enjoyable.  In many ways, regardless of those tidbits, those moments remind us that we are all simply human beings slogging through the work as best we can. We don't know each other - really - but we recognize our humanity in each other.
I recognize the humanity - and it is sometimes frail, often tenacious and always promising.

Job, career, profession

I'm wondering how to tell my boss that I think I want to leave in 8 months.
I think he knows something is up. Kind of like when you can feel someone starting to disconnect from a relationship. And suddenly he's asking me how I am doing, if I'm happy – if I want a promotion. One of the wonderful gifts of this retreat I went on was the clarity I feel around what makes my ego happy – and what is in my heart. They aren't really aligned at the moment. Ego loves the titles, the accolades, the feeling of satisfaction. I can do this work. I can manage other people well, organize a department, be a team member and lead at the same time. Ego has needed to bask in that and continues to see the benefits of the current career path.
"Do you love yourself enough to listen with the ears of your heart to what is spoken here?"
Yes, I think I actually do.
It's not easy because this is truly a heart decision. I like the people I work with. The organization is interesting and growing in some fascinating directions. I get to talk to people about their dreams and what calls them to make life changes. I have been able to learn so much about myself and how I relate to others. I could list all the cons – the stress, the messy moments, the dysfunctional elements – but, to be honest, none of those have been out of the bounds of my expectations. Like family, organizational systems are populated with human beings. Yes, those imperfect beings that just don't ever quite line up the way you think they should.
Which means that I have the harder task of leaving with a heart full of appreciation and love. It is always so much easier to leave when you can focus on all the complaints and bad stuff.
I'm not sure exactly what the outcome will be. I suspect that I am going to be learning more as I proceed with my plans.
Not that I have a plan, really. I just know where my heart is telling me I don't want to be. If there is one thing that I've learned over the years it's this: it is very hard to step up to a new door way when you can't leave the threshold of the old door.
My heart is telling me to take that step.

Leadership 101

At work right now I am interviewing prospective students. One of the questions that I ask is: How do you define leadership?
I've heard some really wonderful answers which always make me wonder what my own answer would be if someone just asked me that question cold. How do I define leadership?
Leadership is about relationship. And when I think about leadership in my own life, I think about being a parent. Honestly, I can't think of any group of people harder to lead than those that matter most to us. The qualities that I value in leadership play out so beautifully against the backdrop of these little miracles of life:

• Attunement
• Boundaries
• Structure
• Guidance and Support
• Decision making
• Authority
• Respect
• Sacrifice
• Being in service to a higher good
• Accountability

Leadership to me is about being a catalyst - a nimble, reflective presence that never forgets that there is a mission or goal to be completed. Parenting has very long term goals with a vision of health and happiness for the future. And, finally, leadership in parenting knows when it is time to step down and allow the child to learn what it means to be a leader in their own life and within the family.
People write books about leadership and I know that this is just the tip of a very complex and fascinating iceberg. And yet, what I like about the question as I ask it in interviews is that I get very personal, thoughtful answers that are often articulating aloud feelings and ideas for the first time. Just as I did above. And as people think about their answer – as I am – they often sit back and see all the different ways that they could continue to talk about what leadership is. Which I am doing even as I write this.
We know good leadership when we see it. Why? What stands out? We think we know what good parenting is – again – why? What do we see? What qualities do we respond to when someone leads us well? Parents us well? What are the qualities what stand out in my own leadership/parenting that have led my children into their adult lives?
More questions with very personal answers. No answer is wrong but I get closer to how I define leadership.

Recalling Ourselves

I just finished reading a fascinating book called Leadership and the New Science. Yes, fascinating. I do have eclectic tastes, I know.
Anyway – here is an excerpt that I found quite poetic:
"We must know what 'center' feels like. We must know who we are, our patterns of behavior, our values, our intentions. The ground of our identity and experience must feel familiar to us; we must know what it feels like to be standing in it. But we don't expect that we will be perfectly balanced in that center all the time. We know that we will drift into the wrong activities or be thrown off balance by life's chaos. But we also will recognize when we've moved off too far, and will be able to recall ourselves more quickly to who we want to be…we must keep participating in the moment." – Meg Wheatley, pg. 154
The book is written with managing organizations in mind yet touches on a wisdom that I think I would like to remind myself of in my day to day life. This 'center' that Wheatley writes about – this place where we stand with full recognition of who we are – speaks very strongly to the woman I am today. Mainly because I realize at this point in my life that I get pulled off center – and that's okay. Chaos exists in my life every day because there really is very little that I do control. However, there is quite a bit about myself that I am aware of and that is going to determine how I respond.
I know more about who I am today than at any other time in my life – and that is an awareness which I suspect will continue to follow me into the rest of my life. The act of continuing to 'recall ourselves' isn't easy but no one said it had to be instantaneous. Actually, that is Wheatley's point – solutions and wisdom are not automatic – we learn by allowing ourselves to get swept up in the mystery of what we don't understand. We grow when we are resilient and open our eyes during the storm.

Rugged Individualism? I think not

This is the kind of post that comes out of an open house I hosted last night at my job. My thought process starts to dig down into what is taught or said and I decide to use this venue as a place to host my thinking. Lucky for you – you don't have to keep reading.
The faculty were talking about behavior being a function of a person's belief in their own control over their life and how the environment controls their choices. I am in complete control of my destiny – or – I have no control over my fate. I am the wind – or - I am a leaf in the wind. That environment also holds the attributes of our culture, family of origin and any of the other messages that we have received growing up as to what will influence you or not.
Six months ago I would have said that I live at the far end of that individual control spectrum. I would have said that my default behavior is much more informed by individual choice and power to be my own person in the universe. In some ways that is true; however, after spending the last six months building a scholarship for multicultural leadership, a diversity workshop and talking with a myriad of folks with provocative viewpoints – I am very aware of how my understanding of individual choice remains complicated by all that has influenced where I am in the world.
The conversation last night turned to the notion of rugged individualism – a concept that is bandied about by politicians and patriotic verbiage when describing American values. However, I am beginning to believe that it is actually a myth. Rugged Individualism, being completely in charge of one's own destiny is something we aspire towards because we've been led to believe that that stance will empower us. And yet, up until the last century, Americans survived because of their community and familial connections. This country wasn't founded on the principle of Independence and Individualism – it was founded by communities of like minded thinkers that never would have survived the first winter without working together. The west wasn't settled by individuals – family groups and whole communities moved together into the wilderness to form new homesteads.
And yet, we Americans – now – really like this notion of being our own persons and controlling our own destinies without being that leaf blown about by forces beyond our control. Something happened over the last hundred years, a new message has enculturated our society – but only for those who have a certain level of privilege and opportunity. We don't like thinking that forces – whatever those might be – can have so much influence. That emasculates, takes away our personal power. Let's face it, Americans, especially those born to a higher notion of privilege, don't like thinking anyone or thing is going to take away their power.
Those of us who have received a certain level of education, been blessed with good jobs and health - so many of us no longer need our tribes to survive the proverbial winter of scarcity. And yet, as relational beings, how many of us are still drawn to building connection with community and family?
Personally, I have yearned for that sense of individual power like it is some sort of Buddha state of being that will relieve me of pain and suffering. And yet, as I continually acknowledge all the parts of my world that have influence on my perspective, I can't help wondering about what has evoked that yearning in me in the first place.