Over a Year

Over a year has passed since I last wrote to this blog.
I've wondered why the desire to share my reflections has been so hard to kindle.
And then I realize that I do actually know why: Grief obliterated my capacity to share. When there are no words to describe the indescribable pain of loss - why try and fit those feelings into such imperfect forms like words?
Words and sentences form a story. A narrative of life. I've been completely unwilling to write my father out of the present tense. Not in words nor form nor substance. Not in such a public way that utilizes a few paragraphs to grope towards some sort of incomplete version of what has happened.
There has been a shift in my thinking that no longer needs to put my world into words. Reflective analysis is just dedicated and focused spin on a story of my past.
I may still choose to write about relationships and change - but I can't write about the pain that has permeated my life over the last year. I could perhaps write about the joy. Love. Care. The strong arms that hold me when I need to cry. The warmth of good friendships and amazing children. Travels, adventures, and gardens and cloth.
I don't need to anymore, but I still may choose to.
To those of you who have kept journal over the course of your life, you may understand what I'm talking about. I've spent a lifetime - forty plus years - keeping journals and diaries. Writing became my primary method of processing my emotions. I vented, screamed, raged, and dreamed my life into those journals. I've used journaling and blogging as a way to reflect and ponder, to give a less reactive self the chance to muse about the world that I live in.
Until I couldn't.
There simply were no words that could move with me on the journey of grief. I didn't want to capture moments of suffering that would become snags later. Grief needed to be fluid and unspoken. Heard but not with words wrapped around it. Implicit not explicit. The antithesis of journaling.
And yet, here I am, a little over a year later ... writing.
Because I wanted to reflect on why I haven't been writing. And so I circle back even as I move forward.