Thursday, January 19, 2012

Week Three

It is the end of week three of unemployment. I chatted on the phone yesterday with my ex-boss and he asked how “it” was going. I hesitated in answering because I wasn’t sure what he meant by saying “it.” Life? Not working? Being home alone with only my thoughts to keep me company? I wish. We are on day two of no school due to snow. Life with restless teenager - that's another story...
I told him I was fine.

One of his favorite sayings when someone says they are ‘fine’is “Feelings Inside Not Expressed”

Which, in this case, is true.

I didn’t think he really wanted to hear how happy I was; how absolutely clear I felt now about leaving the job that I had been doing for him. I didn’t want to go into detail about the guilty pleasure I was taking in not commuting or hitting the gym at 5am just to feel human during the day.

Shedding old skins is not a comfortable process – I really get that right now. And yet, slowly, quietly something has begun to shift. I’ve been working hard the last few weeks to retool my mindset and soften the sharp edge. I needed that edge for a time – I don’t today.

I’m breathing deeply right now. Writing, taking long walks in the snow; cooking healthy food; gathering with friends. Reading, playing with fabrics for another landscape quilt. Spending time with my teenage daughter who doesn’t seem to mind me being home. Go figure.

Without any effort at all possibilities are seeded in this very fertile soil of my nourished soul. The sprouts haven’t broken through yet and it certainly is not time to harvest anything; however, I do watch and wonder, tending those possibilities and curious what fruit they will eventually bear.

It’s winter here in the northwest and it feels right to let my heart and mind rest. This is the time for growing roots – not flowering.

Somehow I’ve discovered how to have faith that spring will come.

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