Saturday, September 24, 2011

It's on Facebook - it must be official

I had to post my own job description up on social media last week.  It was a strange feeling to watch such a personal decision go public.  Of course there was then a flurry of emails and notes from friends who hadn’t heard the news and wanted to make sure I was okay.

I’ve had a simple, pat answer for those who don’t know me very well and longer discussions with friends and colleagues who I care about. Those conversations continue and I'm letting them happen as naturally as possible.

Leaving a job is not easy.  Beyond the economics of  stepping away from a stable job – it is still hard.  I’ve become a team member, a part of the office rhythm.  I am the holder of many projects that have no home.  I’ve been told that no one can replace me – tears were shed.  Sheesh.  Talk about feeling not expendable.

Ego, of course, basks in this and whispers to me about how important I am.  Soul comes back with a loving hug and says – this is about change, friend and what I want regardless of what others want from me right now.  Not only will we bring on a new Director – we’re going to make sure that that person is awesome and well trained.  They are going to shine in ways that I didn’t – couldn’t.  Won’t that be wonderful?

Ego grumbles a little because training someone up to do better than I did means that I’ll no longer be ‘the best.’  Everything else in me laughs and I shake my head because that just doesn’t have the weight of fear behind it anymore.

What has weight – still – is this compass heading that I’ve given myself permission to follow.  I’ve finally been able to stop seeing my choices as “either/or.”  Over the years, that polarized viewpoint has limited my options in ways that I always felt but seemed unable to stop doing. 

I’ve been practicing asking for everything that I want.  Without even trying to resolve what may appear to be conflicting aspirations, I’m simply allowing everything to co-exist in my heart.  Interestingly enough, ever since I let my boss know that I was leaving this position at the end of the year – doorways and invitations have begun to appear.  Co-existing, simmering.
I am resolved, regardless of who steps into my position, to leave that particular office with as much grace and appreciation as possible.  Endings are as important as Beginnings – and we often don’t do them very well.  That is certainly true in my office for all their attempts to walk the talk.

We’ll see how that unfolds.

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